hackEaster
by Claude Kenni
Summary: Because sometimes you're that bored when you're depressed...


A/N: Every once in a while, I get so depressed I write something fun. This may or may not be one of those times; when it' sfunny I mean. I'm still depressed. I put this in script format because I think it's funnier that way...usually I frown on script format. Also, I don't really care if the Japanese don't celebrate Easter, I'm just bored...  
  
** Denotes action  
  
( ) Denotes thought  
  
.hack//Easter - Rated "T" for "Teen".  
  
***  
  
Delta: Hidden Forbidden Holyground  
  
Kite: * warps in* Well, since I can't go to church in the real world, I guess this is close enough...  
  
Natsume: *warps in and spots Kite* OMG!!!! *glomps Kite for 60 HP* Kite, it's you!  
  
Kite: *coughs and fights for air* Na...Natsume...H-hi... *cough*  
  
Natsume: *squeezed him tighter, causing him to lose 200 HP* I'm so happy! We can spend Easter together now!!  
  
Kite: *gasp* G-reat... *wheeze*  
  
BlackRose: *warps in and spots the two* Whoa, what the hell are you doing?!  
  
Natsume: *keeps squeezing Kite, draining his HP without knowing it...* Hiya BlackRose! I'm just hugging Kite! He's cuddly! ^_____^  
  
BlackRose: *Blinks* Yes...that he is... -.-  
  
Kite: *feels the urge to use his bracelet* H...help...  
  
Piros: *warps in* Dear friends! A very happy Easter morning to you all!  
  
BlackRose: What's good about it?! *points to Natsume and Kite, who was losing conciousness* Natsume's got Kite in a bear hug!  
  
Piros: *gasps* She of Hyper Body is strangling the life from He of Fair Eyes! o.o  
  
Natsume: Eh? *looks down at Kite* Oh! Kite, I'm so sorry! *releases him*  
  
Kite: *falls to the ground and gasps for air* I'm....I'm okay...  
  
***  
  
Mimiru: *follows Tsukasa around, bugging him as usual* C'mon, lets go celebrate!  
  
Tsukasa: *sighs* Who cares about...what is it again?  
  
Mimiru: Easter.  
  
Tsukasa: Right. Easter. Well, the Easter bunny can lick me...  
  
Mimiru: *gasps* Tsukasa! O.o  
  
Tsukasa: Why should I get excited? It doesn't effect me...  
  
Mimiru: But everyone's getting together for an Easter egg hunt...  
  
Tsukasa: *shrugs* Then go.  
  
Mimiru: *pouts* But I wanna go with you!  
  
Tsukasa: *shrugs and walks off* Well, that sucks for you, doesn't it?  
  
Mimuru: .  
  
Subaru: *warps in and front of Tsukasa*  
  
Ginkan: *warps in behind Subaru, as always*  
  
Subaru: Oh, Tsukasa. ^.^  
  
Tsukasa: *swallows and tries to be cool* Oh, Subaru, hey...  
  
Subaru: Mimiru said there would be an egg hunt this after noon...will you join with us?  
  
Mimiru: No! He just said - *finds Tsukasa's hand clamped around her mouth* Mmphh!  
  
Tsukasa: Sure, lets be in the same party. ^.~ *takes a hold of Subaru's hand*  
  
Subaru: *blushes* Okay... *tilts her head up and kisses Tsukasa*  
  
Tsukasa: *returns the kiss, deepening it even*  
  
Mimiru: Oh gawd! Gag me... x_X  
  
Tsukasa and Subaru started making out, the young wavemaster's right hand traveled down and rubbed her butt.  
  
Ginkan: *grasps the hilt of his sword* Hands above the waist!  
  
Tsukasa: *winks at Subaru* Sure... *starts playing with Subaru's chest*  
  
Mimiru: O.O  
  
Subaru: *giggles*  
  
Ginkan: Lady Subaru!  
  
***  
  
Bear and B.T. sat in the forest like always, talking things over.  
  
B.T.: So Bear...why do you always bring me out to these secluded spots? ^.~  
  
Bear: *chuckles* It must be a habit from my old highschool days.  
  
B.T.: So, does Mr.Bear expect to get to second base?  
  
Bear: Oh, maybe...  
  
B.T.: Aha, I think he does...  
  
Bear: But then, this is a game.  
  
B.T.: So the real world? *chuckles* Mr.Bear has such high confidence.  
  
Bear: So I don't have a chance?  
  
B.T.: I'm not saying that... ^.~  
  
Bear: I'll need to find a way to get Tsukasa out of the house then.  
  
B.T.: She doesn't think you have a love life?  
  
Bear: No, she doesn't.  
  
B.T.: Then we'll tape it...proof.  
  
Bear: Uhhh... .()  
  
***  
  
Voice from above(not Morganna): Kill her.  
  
Sora: *bounce* i'm 0n i7!  
  
***  
  
B.T.: Are you afraid?  
  
Bear: No way, I may be old but I'm still a man...  
  
Sora pounces from above the trees  
  
Sora: 74d444!!! *jumped down on B.T. and sunk his blades into her*  
  
B.T.: *turns grey and falls over*  
  
Bear: Hey! That was uncalled for!  
  
Sora: 50 5u3 m3! *bounces around and twirls* 5h3 w45 50000 l4444m33333!!!  
  
Bear: No, just horny.  
  
Sora: *shakes his head and waves his hands in the air* h33333yy! d0n7 u53 7h053 w0rd5 4r0und m3! i'm 9u57 4 kid!  
  
Bear: *sighs* Guess I'll go on that easter egg hunt then...  
  
Sora: *stops spinning and perks up* 34573r 366 hun7?! *pounces on Bear* c00001!! i w4nn4 c0m3 700~  
  
Bear: I guess... -.-  
  
***  
  
Orca was sitting alone in a secluded spot in Fort Ouph.  
  
Orca: *sighs* Still only lv. 72... *deeper sigh* As soon as people got me they didn't care about me anymore. "We've got Helba and Sora now!" Tch...have they forgotten who took one for the team to give those games reason?!  
  
Talking Crate: Yeah, you could've easily pushed Kite in the way.  
  
Orca: Yeah! I didn't HAVE to fight Skeith...  
  
Talking Crate: Of course. You should have pushed Kite forward. That's what newbie's are there for...to take one for the higher levels and to be bossed around.  
  
Orca: No! *shakes his head furiously* If I did that I'd be like the people in Final Fantasy XI!  
  
Talking Crate: Yeah, you don't wanna be like them.  
  
Orca: *groans* But look at them! They're all Lv 99! Even Tsukasa and Subaru, and Kite got them at lower levels!  
  
Talking Crate: That sucks, dude. Not fair at all.  
  
Orca: And Balmung *scoffs* Balmung didn't give a shit about me! After all that was over, he didn't have one word to say to me!  
  
Talking Crate: What an ass. But I'm always here for you, Orca.  
  
Orca: Yeah, but only sometimes...  
  
Talking Crate: Hey, I get busy a lot. I have work and school.  
  
Orca: But you're a talking crate!  
  
Talking Crate: Right. I'm a busy person because of it.  
  
Orca: *sighs* Sorry...I understand. I just need help once in a while, dude.  
  
Talking Crate: Well, why don't you see Crim?  
  
Orca: Crim?  
  
Talking Crate: Right, he wrote a self-motivational book; "Stand up straight and stop whining!" he called it.  
  
Orca: Really? Where's he at?  
  
Talking Crate: I think he's going to be at that easter egg hunt.  
  
Orca: Awesome, I'll go look for him now. *hugs the talking crate* When will you be talking next?  
  
Talking Crate: I dunno, I've got work and homework...might be a while before we can hang out again.  
  
Orca: *nods sadly and kisses the talking crate* Okay. I love you very much...  
  
Talking Crate: I love you too. Very much.  
  
Orca: Bye! *warps out*  
  
Talking Crate: *looks to Orca's favorite crate* Hey sexy...  
  
***  
  
Helba hovered above a field and watched as the players all warped into the field that was filled with cleverly hidden easter eggs. Helba had made sure to make some eggs obvious for the "slower" players, like Mimiru and Piros. She smirked as the whole crew began to assemble.  
  
Balmung: *warps in* You've all no hopes of winning now! *unsheathes his sword* For I, Souten no Balmung have taken to the field!  
  
Moonstone: ...shut up.  
  
Elk: *running around like crazy* Mia! Mia?!? Where are you Mia?!  
  
Kite: *grabs Elk when he runs by* Elk, calm down...  
  
Elk: How am I supposed to "calm down"?! Mia's not here!  
  
Kite: Elk, why don't you focus on the prize you might get for finding the most eggs?  
  
Elk: *freaks out* Eggs?! EGGS?! Who cares about searching for eggs when I could search for Mia! o  
  
BlackRose: Shut the hell up!  
  
Helba: *clears her throat* The hunt will begin shortly. The rules are simple: find more eggs than the other players and you win. Some are easy to find, some are hard.  
  
Terijima Ryoko: *raises her hand*  
  
Helba: *points her staff at Ryoko* Yes, the small girl with the big axe.  
  
Subaru: Me?  
  
Helba: No, the blonde.  
  
Terijima Ryoko: Where am I?  
  
Helba: *ignores her* And now, it's time for the Easter bunny herself to make an appearence...Ladies and gentlement - The Easter Bunny!  
  
No one popped up. Nothing on the field changed. Nothing.  
  
Helba: ...Er...The Easter Bunny!  
  
Again, nothing.  
  
***  
  
Voice from above: Get out there!  
  
?????: I am not going out there like this...  
  
Voice: Ohhhh yes you will.  
  
?????: Why don't you go to hell?  
  
Voice: Ya know, I know a twelve year old who would just love to write a fan fiction about the you in the real world. Ya know, the you that doesn't exist but he'd be happy to make up?  
  
?????: No! I'll go...  
  
***  
  
Helba: ...............The Easter Bunny!  
  
This time a player warped in.  
  
Kite: ...Mia?  
  
Mia still had her basic look, only she was bright pink, making some of the players adjust there monitor brightness. Her ears were also extra long and rather floppy.  
  
Sanjuro: *laughs* Nice edit!  
  
Elk: MIA!!!! ^_______________^ *runs to Mia and tackles her*  
  
Mia: Oof!  
  
Helba: Now that everything is ready, does everyone understand the rules?  
  
All of the present players nodded. Ginkan stepped forward.  
  
Ginkan: You'd all better obey the rules or you will answer to the Crimson Knights!  
  
Everyone in the field glared at him, particularly Subaru and Crim. Tsukasa approached Mia.  
  
Tsukasa: Hey, aren't you Macha?  
  
Mia: *nods while trying to pry Elk off of her* Kind of...  
  
Tsukasa: Well then, can you summon The Guardian?  
  
Ginkan: o.o;  
  
Mia: *grins* Ya know what? I think I can! *waves her finger in the air*  
  
The Guardian appeared. It immeadiatly turned to Ginkan and shot out a tenticle at him. The tenticle pierced through the knight's armor, Data Draining him and leaving his greyed corps on the ground. Everyone cheered and The Guardian faded.  
  
Helba: Okay, ready to begin? And....Go!  
  
Everyone in the field scattered. Subaru and Tsukasa continued to hold hands as they ran through the field, earning them a snicker from the dark knight Marlo.  
  
Marlo: Hey, how're ya supposed to get eggs like that, losers?  
  
Tsukasa: Like this!  
  
Subaru and Tsukasa ran up to Marlo and double-clothes lined him, taking the two eggs he had before running away. Mimiru was being followed by Bear, who encouraged her to look hard for the obviously placed eggs.  
  
Mimiru: Stop treating me like a little kid!   
  
Bear: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help.  
  
Mimiru: Well you're pissing me off!  
  
Bear: There, there's one right there!  
  
Mimiru: Yay! Found one! *tries to grab the obvious egg but watches as blur jumps in front of her and takes it*  
  
Sora: *boing* 22!!  
  
Mimiru: Hey, that was mine!  
  
Sora: 700 84d, 1053r! * hops away*  
  
Orca ran through the field looking for Crim. He saw the crimson clad warrior and ran after him.  
  
Orca: *huffs after Crim* Crim! Wait up!  
  
Crim: *stops and turns around* Oh, ah, Orca...what a surprise...  
  
Orca: Crim, I need your help.  
  
Crim: *scratches the back of his head* Uh...now?  
  
Orca: Later or sometime... I heard you took up motivational speaking.  
  
Crim: Oh yeah, it's great. You need some help?  
  
Orca: Yeah, I'm really down...  
  
Crim: I'm always willing to help. Tell me anything. I'll listen.  
  
Orca: Well see, it's about the dot Hackers...I feel like they don't respect me.  
  
Crim: Really?  
  
Orca: Yeah. I mean, I'm Souki no Orca, a descendent of Fianna just like Balmung.  
  
Crim: Uh huh.  
  
Orca: But people don't respect me like they do him...I mean, I wasn't even in .hack//Sign. Even Balmung, my supposed partner doesn't respect me anymore...back when we were still together, I wonder if he even did?  
  
Crim: That's tough. Don't let it get you down!  
  
Orca: How can't I?  
  
Crim: Hey, stand up straight! Never cast your eyes down! You're Orca, a legendary player! *pats Orca on the back*  
  
Orca: Yeah...I am.  
  
Crim: So what if Balmung was higher level than you. So what if I was higher level than you.  
  
Orca: Uh...thanks.  
  
Crim: If you wanna start feeling better, repeat after me: "Noshun, if you desire to know the truth you must also have the courage to except it."  
  
Orca: "Noshun, if you desire to know the truth you must also have the courage to except it." *blinks*  
  
Crim: Feel better?  
  
Orca: No.  
  
Crim: *sighs* Well I've done all I can. I gotta go now, my partner is waiting for me.  
  
Orca: Partner?  
  
Balmung: *flies down and lands next to Crim* Crim, we need to hurry. *sees Orca* Oh, hello Orca...  
  
Orca: ... *stalks off*  
  
The hunt went on. Tsukasa and Subaru did a reasonably good job, Bear and Mimiru managed to find one egg, and Natsume stalked Kite as he and BlackRose managed to do a decent job. Everyone was even, except for Mimiru and Orca, but one stood out among them all.  
  
Helba: And time! *clocks her watch* Everyone come in.  
  
Everyone came in and Helba counted their eggs.  
  
Helba: And the winner is Sora!  
  
Sora: *jumps into the center of the field* 60d 7h47 w45 50 14m3... *yawns*  
  
Helba: *frowns* Sora, you even took the eggs that were mean't for the retar - I'm sorry, "slower" players to find...  
  
Sora: *shrugs* if i didn7 74k3 7h3m 7h3n 7h47 w0uld m4k3 m3 57upid 700.  
  
Helba: Good point. *gives Sora his prize* 99 pieces of Aromatic Grass.  
  
Sora: h0w 14m3...  
  
Mia: O.O  
  
Elk: O.O  
  
Sora: wh47 d0 y0u 1053r5 w4n7?  
  
Mia: Give them to me!! *transforms into her freaky Macha form*  
  
All: O.o  
  
Sora: uh 0h! i11 83 60in6 n0w, 8y3 8y3~! *warps out of the field*  
  
Macha: *chases after him*  
  
Elk: *realizes Mia has left and freaks out* OMG!!! X.X *warps to a random location in hopes of finding her*  
  
Tsukasa: Well this has been stupid.  
  
Subaru: The holidays are a time to spend with the ones you love, right?  
  
Tsukasa: *scoffs* Yeah. Two people.  
  
Subaru: Oh...a-am I one?  
  
Tsukasa: Duh.  
  
Subaru: ^^  
  
Tsukasa: Happy...uh, what was it?  
  
Subaru: Easter.  
  
Tsukasa: Right. Happy Easter.  
  
The End.  
  
A/N: Yes. This is what happens when you're bored. Sora types his messages in .hack//Quarantine in leet, so that's what I was doing with him...don't know how much of it I got right, I think I was missing a few letters...aah you get the point. Apologies for those who're expecting an update to Forced Identity; I'm too depressed to work on something like that. More apologies if you're favorite character didn't show up in this or didn't get much time. No, I'm not a Mimiru-hater, but she even says she's "not very smart" in the show so c'mon... Anywho, I hope you didn't take this seriously at all. I feel sorry for you if you did. 


End file.
